We are the Champions

You probably didn’t realize that you’re friends with a Fantasy Power Couple, but you are. We try to stay down to earth and remain friends with our base, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. I mean, two super bowl championships, Roadsidehermit considering a tour in Salida, and now this blog…

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Alas, everything wasn’t as rosy as it appears today. It was around this time last year when Todd and I almost got a divorce. It was an interloper, of course…someone hell-bent on destroying our MARRIAGE, the best thing that ever happened to me! His name was Jimmy Graham.

To really understand the weight of the betrayal, we should start at the beginning…

Todd started playing fantasy football about a decade ago and it continues to be the highlight of his year. He gets really into it. Every Sunday is an emotional rollercoaster. The other day, he came to me with a concerned countenance and said “Can I talk to you about something when you get a chance?”

Oh no…He’s unhappy…He’s totally over it…You can step it up, hear him out…

“Should I start Cousins or Stafford?”

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Ten years later and he hasn’t won the super bowl. Yeah, he got on the dance floor a time or two, but no dice. Definitely no name on the trophy…Yeah, they have a trophy…
Last season I was invited to play on a Female Fantasy Football League. I thought, “What the hell, I hear about this shit all day I might as well try it out. And it will complete my master plan of infiltrating every aspect of Todd’s life and taking it over.” Of course, my first priority was to draft Aaron Rodgers, I mean, we did go to school together…we had that thing at the crosswalk on Durant where he looked straight ahead and I stared at him, mouth agape…Rodgers

Surprisingly, to everyone but me, I made it to the playoffs. It was a rebuilding year for Todd, so he didn’t have anyone going, but I was super excited about my rookie year. It just so happened that Todd had recently unearthed the magical world of online fantasy football. He could choose a new lineup anytime, bet a couple of bucks, and make any game interesting. That’s super cool, #totallyendorse. Until…
I said…”You know, since you don’t have anyone playing in your actual league, could you just not start anyone against me online? I’m playing Kristyn and she has a really good team. I’m almost to the super bowl. I don’t want you to be rooting against me.”

“Oh, of course. No way.”

FADE IN. NEXT DAY. Todd’s on speaker phone with his brother in Miles’s room. They’re working out a line up. Again.

“Yeah, so we gotta go Graham.”

“Yup, what about…”

And that’s the second Todd jeopardized our marriage and I realized I had no idea who I was married to.

“Are you seriously starting Jimmy Graham? Kristyn has Jimmy Graham!”

“Well yeah, but…you just have to…if you want to win any money. I’m totally rooting for you though!”

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We got in this huge stupid argument about him starting a rival tight end and not supporting me and caring about my feelings. Completely exasperated, I said, ”This is so stupid. I can’t believe we’re arguing about football. I SWEAR TO GOD, I’m not playing this again!”
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What did I just say?!

I never swear to God. That’s like a vow. I made a vow in anger and I can’t take it back. I can never play fantasy football again.

It turns out, Jimmy Graham didn’t do shit that week and I made it to the Super Bowl… And I WON!!!!

I totally WON the championships my rookie/final season!

Even if my husband had no faith in me, whatsoever.

A few weeks later, this little bauble came in the mail. You can’t order these things online…

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And Blessed Be, after years of trying, Todd won THIS year! There was a 50/50 chance of Todd exploding in ecstasy or checking into a mental health facility, so we’re all really glad it went our way.

So that’s the story of how we became a Fantasy Power Couple and almost got a divorce. I was asked to play in the girl league again this year and I had to decline. I’m not about to risk my soul for another ring. However, I’m still looking for ways to suck the joy out of all Todd’s hobbies. I’m considering learning how to play an instrument and joining his band. I think he’d dig it. Or not, it’s kinda hard to tell.

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