The Biggest Loser

I’m probably supposed to wait awhile to post another blog, and I will, but this literally happened to me today and it’s too embarrassing not to share… I promise not to make a peep for at least a week after this 🤐

I haven’t weighed myself in a LONG time…I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life…but I went to the gym TWICE this week and I’ve been trying to eat healthier for months now, so I thought I’d give it a shot, you know…face the facts, get a baseline, somewhere to work from. So I drag out the dusty ol’thing and tap it to turn it on. Damn, those are some good batteries. Let’s do this. HOLY SHIT! I lost almost 20lbs!! Wow, I lost almost 20 pounds! What?! 20 pounds?!

Instantaneously, my Generalized Anxiety Disorder kicks in and I think “That’s weird…Unexplained weight loss is a sign of cancer…Any rookie Webmd’er would know that…okay Andrea, get it together, don’t freak out…you’ve been trying to eat pretty good for a while now, and the gym, don’t forget the gym…you’re practically a regular…you have that thing with the cashier about how you refuse to buy the other bottle of water even though the deal makes it practically free…but…20 pounds sounds ‘unexplained’…racing heart…panic…Todd will help.”

📞

“Hey, sorry to bug, but I’m tripping out”

“What’s up?”

“I just weighed myself for the first time in forever and I lost 20 pounds 😨”

“What?! That’s awesome! Good for you.”

“No, I’m freaking out now because unexplained weight loss is a sign of cancer.”

“Oh God, you’re trippin. You’ve been eating really good for like 8 months now.”

“Yeah, but not THAT good. I don’t feel like I lost 20 pounds, like AT ALL.”

“That’s just because it’s so gradual you just don’t notice it.”

“Yeah? You think?…You’re probably right. Thanks for calming me down. I guess I’ll just slam this subway sandwich, you know, get some meat on my bones…😂”

“😂Bye”

Wow, you did it. You lost all that weight and it wasn’t even that hard. Yeah, you did totally give up cheeseburgers. You can be proud of that. But…it just seems like your clothes would fit way differently…Maybe they will. I mean you have been kinda living in the active wear lately…

So I finish my no cheese, no mayo, turkey sandwich and head for the shower. I’m gonna see how much that sandwich affected my newly recognized svelte figure. I tap on the scale, it turns on and…

SON OF A BITCH!!!

I’m pretty much my regular weight.

This morning’s reading was either a glitch or the gods are practical jokers and I’m their plaything.😩

At least I don’t have cancer. I don’t think. My anxiety disorder tells me it’s still kinda hard to tell.

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