Hey Weirdos, Can You Leave My Nice Asian Ladies Alone?!

As you may or may not know, I am a connoisseur of fine massages. I prefer the fancy Swedish massage with warm blankets, aromatherapy, and a hefty price tag. Therefore, I usually only get about one a year, on my birthday/Mother’s day (always the same weekend). To satisfy my need to be pampered at will and at a low price, one day I ventured into a walk-in Asian massage parlor. It’s called Lucky Spa. I know, I know, “You know they mean you get “lucky” with a happy ending right?!” I disagree. My Chinese friend, Jackie Co, taught me in high school that luck is a big part of Asian culture, so I’m pretty sure it’s referring to that, you sicko. Here’s a rundown of my experiences at Lucky Spa and why you should give it go…if you’re in to that sort of thing 😉

First of all, I recommend the 60 minute $20 Foot & Body Massage. It’s advertised as $19.99, but I’ve never been given my penny back, so I just consider that their tip. (I actually tip $5. Don’t tell Todd, but one time I tipped $10, because Lily is the best!) You can walk in anytime. Like literally they are open 7 days a week until 10 pm. I admit that part is a little sketchy, but I commend their work ethic. You are usually greeted by a nice Asian lady that is disappointed you are only getting the $20 massage and not something more expensive. I did try a full body once, in the name of science, and it was very oily. Take it from me; stick with the Foot & Body.

lucky spa
The best part of this massage is that you keep your clothes on. They walk you into a cubicle with a big, cozy recliner covered in fresh towels. You recline all the way back and soak your feet in scalding hot water. Yeah, that part kinda sucks, but after your nerves are seared off it’s actually quite pleasing. The masseuse, who doesn’t speak English and especially doesn’t understand the term “ow,” begins by using lotion and massaging your face. It sounds weird, but feels amazing, except when they press really hard on your temples and you think you might have an aneurysm, but that passes. Then they move to your neck, arms, and hands. They make every knuckle in your body crack, ones you didn’t even know you had. When it’s time for the foot massage, they may or may not wear rubber gloves. I’m not sure how they determine this, but I’m sure it’s very official. They use Vaseline to massage your feet and they really go to town on each and every piggy. Now comes the fun part…
After removing the slick grease with a hot towel, the recliner is converted into a massage table! There’s a little flap where your head was that opens up for you to put your face in. Now I’m sure all you germaphobes are probably freaking out about putting your face in the hole, but fear not! They put a split paper towel in the opening, bam! Sanitization Complete!
massage table
Now the lady goes to town on your back and buttocks. If you’ve never had a butt massage you’ve never really experienced true ecstasy, so don’t judge. All you butt massagers know what I’m talking about. It is the biggest muscle, you know. Depending on whom your masseuse is, this is where it might get a little freaky. Sometimes they climb onto your back and massage your back and butt with their knees…I know, it sounds weird, but I’m thinking it’s a cultural thing? It feels good if you can avoid thinking of the lady waxing on and off with her knees on your butt cheeks…Then they karate chop you and slap you and you’re done! $20 well spent!
There are, unfortunately, some downsides to the Lucky Spa experience, but what do you expect for a $20 walk-in massage? Sure, your masseuse isn’t exactly “licensed,” but who am I, the Health Department? The worst part though is the constant influx of horny men that walk in and ask pervy questions. During your massage you’re in a cubicle so you can hear everything and I mean EVERYTHING that goes on. Even the “private” rooms aren’t very private. Yeah, they have a door, but they also have the top three feet of the wall missing. Hey creepy old man, I hear you whispering. Kitty’s not that kind of girl. Or maybe she is, I’m not positive. Like I said, there’s a lot of oil flying around in those private rooms. The last time I was there this guy came in and asked “What kind of massage do you do?” None of the three available ladies spoke English so he asked again and again. Finally he said “Like, do you do soft touch massage?” I’m getting my big toe worked on thinking, “Soft Touch? What kind of weirdo massage is that?” I googled it when I got home and yup, it’s a happy ending massage, a very specific one. Gross dude. One time I was in there and you could hear a girl arguing with the guy in a private room and my lady told me he was trying to get her to go home with him. The owner is a feisty lady and she told him straight up, “You go now!”
massage blog
See, my Lucky Spa is a legit operation with honest ladies trying to give wholesome pleasure at an affordable price. I think. It’s kinda hard to tell…

If I can teach you one thing…

tball team

If I could give you one piece of advice, it’d be to never volunteer for anything. Period. Never do it. There are strategic ways of going about this that include, but are not limited to, avoiding eye contact (sunglasses help, but can be awkward on rainy days), having a full time job, no babysitter, etc. That being said, when the moment arises and you are called to action, be it a “if we can’t find a coach, your kid can’t play” or a “we really need volunteers or the event can’t happen” you better steel your bleeding heart, because the minute you decide to “do it just this once,” is the moment you’ve crossed the line. Invisible to the naked eye, you are now imprinted with the word “SUCKER” on your forehead. You won’t notice it at first as you go about your daily life, but eventually you realize it can only be seen by other Suckers looking for volunteers. They’re like Zombies and you’re infected. Now you’re in the loop.

When you’re in the loop you take on some small responsibility and feel really good about how you’re a great parent, giving back and what not. After the first practice/task you begin to realize that you are actually in charge of something. Like if it sucks, it’s your fault. If these children are not enriched or cultivated you are cheating them out of an epic experience. If you would have just kept your mouth shut, they’d probably have some sick ass coach/chairperson that would change their lives. Mike Calmes would be teaching them the technique that will get them a college scholarship. But now, they’re stuck with you, you sorry excuse for a leader. So you try to make it cool…Making it cool takes a shit ton of time, energy, and sometimes money. water ballons “Let’s use water balloons instead of baseballs.” And eventually, when it’s cool for the kids, you have a moment when your Grinch heart grows three times its normal size and you’re like “Wow, I’m really making a difference and some money on the side to boot… wait…How much do I make? Are you kidding me? This is pro bono?! “

Eventually you experience first-hand how much time, effort, and energy goes into making these things happen. Then your “Sucker” imprint evolves into a third eye. With your new knowledge you see the mom of four working full-time and chairing a major fundraiser. You see the the new mother committing to work the snack bar weeknights for months, her baby in a bouncer on the counter next to the nacho cheese. Now you realize and appreciate the sacrifice these people make to create a positive experience for others. Did I mention it’s Pro Bono?! I feel like I need to renegotiagte my contract, but that’s not the point.

Once you get to know these people you realize they are the real cream of the crop. Due to a series of weak cracks in my steel-hardened heart, I inexplicably became not only a PTA board member, but a team mom, and assistant coach. I know, I know, “SUCKER” right?! The thing is…Through this shit show I call my life, I’ve met some great people I’m honored to call friends. They’re selfless, creative, go-getters. ”Man, this week is going to be crazy; I have a board meeting Tuesday Night.” Wait, it’s at Denise’s house with wine and food… We’ll bullshit for an hour and laugh so hard we pee, then we’ll talk about New Haven’s Deflategate. (We just bought brand-new rubber balls for recess and they go flat every day. Then we’ll make jokes about balls, you know, good times.) The next day Todd will have baseball practice. These people will literally play catch with your child…FOR FREE!
So basically, what I’m trying to say is, don’t volunteer and be a sucker. If you do, you might notice how much “pro bono” work it takes for your kid to play baseball or have a pumpkin patch at school and you might start to feel guilty when you’re just sitting there crushing candy on the reg (You don’t get to level 2,592 by volunteering your time willy-nilly). You might notice a crack in your steel-hardened heart, and you might make the best friends of your life. Or not, I don’t know…It’s kinda hard to tell.

You should totally start a blog…

Yeah right, what kind of self-absorbed asshole do you think I am? Although…I am a huge fan of blogs. I have this one friend, who’s totally a normal person by the way, that has a blog about her experiences with being a spirit medium. It’s weird, and real, and awesome. I get so happy when she has a new post. Check it out at smallmedium.org. Anyway, I figured hey, maybe you’d want to read MY blog. I know, what kind of self-absorbed asshole do you think I am?! But then I  realized that I’d totally read YOUR blog. I’d be like wow, how cool is it that so-and-so is putting themselves out there and starting a blog. I’m so proud of them. So here’s to 2018 and putting yourself out there. It might be a very awkward experience… I don’t know, It’s kinda hard to tell…