Meeting John Malkovich

The boys and I were in line to purchase some electronics at Walmart the other night, when the guy next to me turns around and my heart skips a beat because it’s a scary looking, mentally ill version of John Malkovich.


I think “that guy’s kinda weird…” Then I internally reprimand myself, “Andrea, you can’t just say that, not even to yourself. You could be discriminating.”


As I shake off my judgement, my giant open mind stares straight ahead and smiles just enough while the lady repeatedly tries to add $35 in prepaid minutes to the flip phone he just purchased.

It’s not working so we’re standing there a good few minutes during which I berate myself for prejudging the man. I’m such a scaredy-cat that I’m worried about this nice gentleman.This cool dude is just trying to get some prepaid minutes, probably so he can call his mother on her birthday or something.


I turn around to check on the kids. They have our shopping cart perpendicular to the aisle and have created a sturdy blockade of the eletronics department. Ughhh. “You guys, stay to the right and chill or we’re out of…”

Suddenly, Malkovich grabs the air and does a “use the force” hand gesture and rotates an imaginary ball of energy between his grip.


Okay, so…I’m thinking my initial impression might be right when he turns to me and asks, “Do you know who Joan Jett is?”




My brain kinda stops working and I respond “Sounds familiar, she’s like an old singer, right?”


Then he says something and I do the whole “I heard what you said(I did not), and I’m laughing it off, and ending the conversation” thing as I’m trying to get the boys attention because

 meme spongebob ight imma head out GIF

He starts digging in his paper grocery bag. I’m talking to the boys who are parked to the side and are about to brawl over something stupid when Malkovich pulls out four pink letters and presents them to me.

“Look, these are to his Pasadena address. Look at the back!” Four pink envelopes addressed to Adam Sandler. On the back of each one was labeled uno, dos, tres, and the last one had a shiny sticker on it and was labeled fini.

“Do you know what that means?” he asks.

“The end?…” I croak.



Let’s go guys this line is too long.


So Adam Sandler, I’m just saying that I saw something, so I’m saying something. Your life could be in danger.


When I got home I told Todd the whole story and he said “Why does all this weird shit happen to you?!” and I am still contemplating this. #itskindahardtotell