Hey Weirdos, Can You Leave My Nice Asian Ladies Alone?!

As you may or may not know, I am a connoisseur of fine massages. I prefer the fancy Swedish massage with warm blankets, aromatherapy, and a hefty price tag. Therefore, I usually only get about one a year, on my birthday/Mother’s day (always the same weekend). To satisfy my need to be pampered at will and at a low price, one day I ventured into a walk-in Asian massage parlor. It’s called Lucky Spa. I know, I know, “You know they mean you get “lucky” with a happy ending right?!” I disagree. My Chinese friend, Jackie Co, taught me in high school that luck is a big part of Asian culture, so I’m pretty sure it’s referring to that, you sicko. Here’s a rundown of my experiences at Lucky Spa and why you should give it go…if you’re in to that sort of thing 😉

First of all, I recommend the 60 minute $20 Foot & Body Massage. It’s advertised as $19.99, but I’ve never been given my penny back, so I just consider that their tip. (I actually tip $5. Don’t tell Todd, but one time I tipped $10, because Lily is the best!) You can walk in anytime. Like literally they are open 7 days a week until 10 pm. I admit that part is a little sketchy, but I commend their work ethic. You are usually greeted by a nice Asian lady that is disappointed you are only getting the $20 massage and not something more expensive. I did try a full body once, in the name of science, and it was very oily. Take it from me; stick with the Foot & Body.

The best part of this massage is that you keep your clothes on. They walk you into a cubicle with a big, cozy recliner covered in fresh towels. You recline all the way back and soak your feet in scalding hot water. Yeah, that part kinda sucks, but after your nerves are seared off it’s actually quite pleasing. The masseuse, who doesn’t speak English and especially doesn’t understand the term “ow,” begins by using lotion and massaging your face. It sounds weird, but feels amazing, except when they press really hard on your temples and you think you might have an aneurysm, but that passes. Then they move to your neck, arms, and hands. They make every knuckle in your body crack, ones you didn’t even know you had. When it’s time for the foot massage, they may or may not wear rubber gloves. I’m not sure how they determine this, but I’m sure it’s very official. They use Vaseline to massage your feet and they really go to town on each and every piggy. Now comes the fun part…
After removing the slick grease with a hot towel, the recliner is converted into a massage table! There’s a little flap where your head was that opens up for you to put your face in. Now I’m sure all you germaphobes are probably freaking out about putting your face in the hole, but fear not! They put a split paper towel in the opening, bam! Sanitization Complete!

Now the lady goes to town on your back and buttocks. If you’ve never had a butt massage you’ve never really experienced true ecstasy, so don’t judge. All you butt massagers know what I’m talking about. It is the biggest muscle, you know. Depending on whom your masseuse is, this is where it might get a little freaky. Sometimes they climb onto your back and massage your back and butt with their knees…I know, it sounds weird, but I’m thinking it’s a cultural thing? It feels good if you can avoid thinking of the lady waxing on and off with her knees on your butt cheeks…Then they karate chop you and slap you and you’re done! $20 well spent!
There are, unfortunately, some downsides to the Lucky Spa experience, but what do you expect for a $20 walk-in massage? Sure, your masseuse isn’t exactly “licensed,” but who am I, the Health Department? The worst part though is the constant influx of horny men that walk in and ask pervy questions. During your massage you’re in a cubicle so you can hear everything and I mean EVERYTHING that goes on. Even the “private” rooms aren’t very private. Yeah, they have a door, but they also have the top three feet of the wall missing. Hey creepy old man, I hear you whispering. Kitty’s not that kind of girl. Or maybe she is, I’m not positive. Like I said, there’s a lot of oil flying around in those private rooms. The last time I was there this guy came in and asked “What kind of massage do you do?” None of the three available ladies spoke English so he asked again and again. Finally he said “Like, do you do soft touch massage?” I’m getting my big toe worked on thinking, “Soft Touch? What kind of weirdo massage is that?” I googled it when I got home and yup, it’s a happy ending massage, a very specific one. Gross dude. One time I was in there and you could hear a girl arguing with the guy in a private room and my lady told me he was trying to get her to go home with him. The owner is a feisty lady and she told him straight up, “You go now!”

See, my Lucky Spa is a legit operation with honest ladies trying to give wholesome pleasure at an affordable price. I think. It’s kinda hard to tell…